Hi, I'm loveable fat ginger bastard Harry Knowles, the internet's answer to a stupid question! I'm the mischevious scamp who ticks those Hollywood big boys RIGHT OFF, by building up excitement for their films MONTHS before they've even STARTED their OWN advertising. But enough about me, lets start this review the way I always start my reviews, with about five or six self indulgent passages describing my day in HUGE PURPLE LETTERS!!!Oh for fucks sake.
This morning I awoke to a call from one of my 'spies' who had craftily managed to 'sneak' out some juicy information on some up and coming piece of crap from one of the major studios. By no means was this information intentionally 'leaked' as part of Hollywood's work-a-day promotional activities, NO SIR! Many Bothans died to bring me this information, I can tell you.
So then I had breakfast and spent a couple of hours updating the site for all you geeks and geekettes. It occurred to me while typing away that my entire site might be written in a form of short hand slang that is incomprehensible to all but the most regular visitors, thus rendering the whole affair cliquey and inaccessible. To compound this, I realised, the whole thing is presented in GIGANTIC BODIES OF UNDERLINED HELVETICA that render it un-navigatable. I also wondered if my clientele weren't buying into a false image of me as some sort of troublesome enfant terrible' while wasting their time reading what is ostensibly just a series of commercials for products that don't even quite exist yet and that will ultimately disappoint them - while simultaneously deluding themselves that they are being given privy to some inner workings of an industry whose true machinations elude them. 'I mean honestly Harry' I thought to myself 'you're fucking well IN the fucking Faculty for fucks fucking sake. You're actually fucking IN it. AND fucking Monkeybone. For fucks sake. Who are you trying to kid?'.
I was just thinking about doing something to rectify all this when I got an email from one of my 'insiders', my good friend 'Darth Matrix Logans Run Insidious Sideous X', who had the skinny on some fucking remake or sequel or franchise crossover or something. I was so excited by this useless piece of trivial pre-marketing that I had a quick wank.
Then (then) I got a call from my good friend (oh, I don't know, lets say...) Robert Rodriguez or someone, who invited me over for the afternoon to play Ker-Plunk with Harvey Weinstein and, um, Darryl Hannah. Which I did. So anyway, after that we watched all the Phantasm movies, which got me really pumped and in a proper good mood, and then I went off to a special preview screening of Matrix Revolutions hosted by Joel Silver's mum, to which only I, a guy from Variety and Axel Rose had been invited.
And let me tell you, Matrix Revolutions ROCKS! Man, I've never seen a film this good. There was, like, so much metal grinding and robot bashing going on that after a while I didn't know or care WHAT the fuck was going on. And there were no annoying characters or narratives to distract me from the constant repetitive unrelenting string of special effects either. Awesome!
You know, there's a part of me that thinks I might be a corporate zombie fuck-head, carelessly abusing the position of authority and respect I have built as a film critic by intentionally misguiding you to spend money on an irredeemably atrocious film, which I'm billing as being even passable, just because I'M in a chipper fucking mood. But then there's another part of me, a big fat part of me, that knows THIS FILM ROCKED!
So it starts out with the Wachowski - sorry, WARNER Brothers logo going all green and wonky and shit - then it goes into that cool upside down katakana shit. The last two times, those green word thingies zoomed out of objects, but THIS time they didn't know WHAT the fuck to do with it. So they had those letters all explode and turn into a city and all sorts of mixed metaphors. And it when on for HOURS! GREAT!
Then, for like the first 15 minutes they go to this bar where that really philosophical French guy is, and everyone in the place is dressed REALLY MANLY in all leather and rubber and stuff - except for Monica Belluci, who does FUCK ALL. But who cares? Her tits are HUGE! Then there's like these massive muscular guys in leather, and they've got holes in their costumes in like weird places. Man I was getting sweaty already.
Then (THEN) they had another one of those fights in a square room with lots of pillars - and some of the guys were walking UPSIDE DOWN. But that didn't matter because the whole fight was still all axonometric, like the spaceship fights in Star Trek TNG. So it wasn't too confusing or anything.
After that, for what seemed like HOURS, they just kept on introducing new characters ONE AFTER THE OTHER. And every single one of them was some sort of stunt-paki' they'd rented from 'Ethnics R Us'. Pretty soon there were two-dimensional stereotypes representing pretty much every country you can think of. And they were all talking that cool philosophy shit. Man. If they hadn't all been talking really REALLY slowly, and I hadn't had Neo answering with his stoic "no" and "yes" I wouldn't have known what was going on AT ALL.
Then they go to Zion, man. And it's like up until now you've only seen a little bit of Zion - but this time they go there and STAY there. It's like the whole fucking movie is there. It's like... Imagine in Star Wars if they never ever EVER left Tatooine and you got to spend three whole movies there. How cool is that!?
So then the machines attack Zion and after that, then its just fucking IT!! For like ninety minutes its nothing but blue squigly metal things dancing around in front of blue backgrounds fighting blue robots. This is like my whole cobalt blue quota for the YEAR. This is more cobalt blue than James Cameron has dared to use his whole fucking career.
And speaking of which, the whole thing is really REALLY like Aliens. But MORE! There's this shot of this Aliens robot thingy, but then it pans out and there's like LOADS of them. Its like someone's pressed the button on the computer that makes MORE robots, loads and loads of times. Its like the Wachowski's really understand that the quality of a movie is directly proportional to how much stuff, numerically, is on screen at once. So instead of ONE robot fighting an alien, you get HUNDREDS of the same thing, over and over and OVER. WOW!!! I JUST FUCKING EXPLODED!!!!
After a while man, all those blobby things darting about, it was like dunking your head in a big bowl of olives and swishing your face all about or something. But I guess all good things must come to an end. And WHAT AN ENDING! The robots and humans decide to share the love and live together? That's awesome. And that little girl makes this big beautiful computery pink coloured nuclear winter sunset thing. And that Colonel Sanders guy has tea in the park with that old black lady. Man. I nearly cried. What a fitting end to a film about hundreds of robots exploding constantly.
There was some other cool shit along the way though, readers. There was some Justin Timberlake kid who saves the day, and some super heroes, and that spooky train guy from Ghost. Oh yeah, and Neo was in it at one point as well. All in all that was a pretty wild ride.
I know there are some people out there who are going to dismiss this film as the confused and self contradictory final chapter in a morally repugnant series of crass marketing experiments that is so corpulent and vulgar a commodity as to finally have bought the entire franchise crashing down into oblivion under the weight of its own awfulness. Those guys will probably still be laughing their asses off ten years from now, when nobody even remembers these films anymore. But I say FUCK THOSE GUYS, cos I HAD FUN allowing myself to be manipulated. My choice, man. So screw all you haters and fakers. This movie ROCKS HARD!!!
The Atlantis Mantis.
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