Rant Like an Egyptian

In my capacities as a giant mantis who once walked the earth in the time of a long lost Empire and who has subsequently been resurrected in modern day society, I was interested in seeing The Mummy Returns - so I did.

The Mummy Returns is, for about three minutes somewhere in the middle, about 'the mummy' returning. Then a WHOOOOOLE bunch of other stuff happens. I have never seen so much happen in one film (but not in the good, Repo Man sort of a way) Or so much dust, or so many cockneys, or the word cripes used so often.

So anyway, The Rock, right ("It doesn't matter if you're a Mummy!") plays (in a thankfully near silent role) the feared wrestler 'the Scorpion King'. The Rock rampages across Africa, his army undefeated, until one day he is defeated by a computer multiplied army of Egyptians. The Rocks army skulk off into the desert and, apparently too depressed to stop or have a drink, all die except for the Rock.
The Rock then pledges himself to Anubis, who produces a giant wobbly particle systems forest from the floor, and an army of dog people (a right show off, that Anubis). The army of dog people destroy Egypt then turn into particle systems and the Rock's soul is taken.

Meanwhile, later. It is years since the first Mummy film, as indicated by Brendan Fraser being less funny, that woman having thicker eyebrows, and their having bared a son who's name is Cripes (or should be). Then it all gets a little hazy, or particle systemsy. The naked lady out of the first one (the one all the fuss is about) has been reincarnated and is using a fine collection of fake Egyptians and real Mockneys to resurrect her boyfriend. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or 'Hotel Babylon' to be precise, Cripes has become attached to a magic bangle through a series of 'hilarious' 'mishaps'. The bangle leads the wearer to the hidden location of the Rock and his army of dog men. At this point there is a cameo from Donna Air in the challenging role of a drunken tart.

Soooo. EVENTUALLY, the Mummy returns, the boy is kidnapped. The shooting, the yelling, yadayadayada.

"There shall now be a short interlude for a fight scene on a double decker bus. This is the only good bit of the film, so please concentrate"

Everyone then fannies around for the next hour. There is lots of costume changing and random fighting and you suddenly realise they are going for a full toy franchise. Brendan Fraser turns out to be a Jedi, that woman turns out to be the reincarnation of Imhoteps boss's daughter (despite being about as Egyptian as Felicity Kendall) Then the black one out of Human Traffic turns up in a sub-miyazaki blimp shaped like a lonely testicle and it all gets very very random.

The shit blimp is chased by some particle systems water with a face drawn on it and comes out in a particle systems forest with a stupid gold temple in the middle.
Imhotep becomes mortal for no good reason. Eyebrow lady temporarily dies, then comes back to life to beat up naked Egyptian lady (in a rematch from one of the very very many past life flashbacks to Carry on Cleo that keep happening.)
There are some zombie pygmies (oh yes) and another army of dog men who manifest from a random pile of particle systems that someone left lying around.
Finally The Rock returns from the bangle to which he was banished, and proves to walk not like an Egyptian, but like a stupid elaborate CGI lobster (scorpion I suppose) with his face glued on it.

It's as if The Rock wants to re-live Arnie's whole career in one movie. In the first scene he just grunts inaudably in the tradition of Conan, then at the end he returns as a lobster with that slightly unconvincing fake head scene from Terminator - for a head.

Anyway. There's a lot of shouting. The particle systems dead take Imhotep to hell, the dog man army turns into a cloud of particle systems, and the rock turns into a bunch of particle systems scorpions, then explodes into a cloud of particle systems. Inhotep's bird turns out to be a deceitful bitch after all and is eaten by some particle systems (she doesn't risk her life for Inhotep you see, even though she does in the first movie, which was rather the point). Then everybody has to run away because a big cloud of particle systems bearing The Rock's gurning mug is eating the particle systems forests. Everyone is very concerned but then Llando turns up in the millennium testicle and the film ends.

If you want to recreate the experience of The Mummy Returns in the privacy of your own womb, then purchase one of those magic 'bed of nail' desk toys, make an imprint of your own face going AAAAAGH, then hit yourself around the head with it about a hundred times - and rub salt in your eyes.

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