Everybody's Got Something to Hide, Except for Michael Jackson and his Monkey

Last night, civilisation ground to a halt as the world came together to gawp in awe at an event of such monumental importance as can never be underestimated - the transmission of a TV show!

The show in question unmasked a monster. A man who has been in the public eye for many years and who a good many people have come to respect, was revealed by this piece of reportage to be an unspeakable freak of humanity. A sad figure of a man twisted by a life spent too long in the media eye and corrupted by money. A man who has let media manipulation effect his soul to the point where he has become a danger to others.

I am talking, of course, about Martin Bashir.

Chris Morris tried to warn you, but you witchhunted him and called him a monster. Now 'Paedogeddon' is upon you, but not in the way that you expected. For several years now, in case you have'nt noticed, the television and newspaper media has been waging a war on celebrity. You like celebrities. I like celebrities. Celebrities are charasmatic individuals who influence the way people dress, how they behave, even how they think. Pop stars, movie stars, entertainers, these people are heroes to the public - figures to aspire to. But they are also, for the most part, unaccountable to any one organisation. Celebrities, if they so choose, can wear what they want, say what they want, support which charities they want, speak out against which injustices they want and the public will listen. ACTUALLY listen. Furthermore, most celebrities have a love-hate relationship with the media they rely on to perpetuate their careers, and its very rare for them to have anything nice to say about 'the press'.

Hollywood likes celebrities. Hollywood has nothing left if you take its celebrities away and Hollywood has its best celebrities wrapped up in a nice tidy little scientologist package or similar. But TV and print have come to hate celebrities because they run amok, and often say things that the guys 'upstairs' don't like. So they have been trying to kill them off.

The first stage in the 'five year plan' was to slowly edge celebrities off of television and out of the magazines. This is why there has been a veritable explosion of 'reality TV' shows that soil the illusion of celebrity by showing you your heroes taking a shit and so forth, and why there is such a slew of 'contest' format shows built around the notion that 'Joe Public' can become a star - to say nothing of the infinite number of really FASCINATING programs about normal people doing normal things very normaly.

"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Popstars, Popstars The Rivals, Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother, Pop Idols, Help I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here, Temptation Island. 'This Uncovered", 'That Uncovered' , 'Real the Other" - and any number of other shows you could easily mention.

And tonight, Matthew, you're going to be... a paedophile!

Because that's the thing now, isn't it. That's the final stage in the masterplan. Wipe the celebrities out, all of them! And how do we do that exactly?

Reveal their excesive drug abuse and drinking? Hey, that's just all part of rock 'n' roll. Drug use? Hey, who hasn't? Out them as homosexuals? Oh come now Mantis, we're all very excepting of the filthy queers these days. How about point out that they're black? Reveal their Jewish heritage? Deride their beards, point out their funny limp? No?

Oh I KNOW! We out them as paedophiles! The last taboo on Earth. Cos they're all at it, aren't they? Famous people? Kiddy fiddlers to the last, right? Mathew Kelly, R Kelly, Gary Glitter, Pete Townsend, Sooty. All of em!!

Question. Do the public have the right to know if a paedophile is living in their community? Yes.

Question. Do the public have a right to know if a celebrity, who they allow 'into their homes' each night, and who exerts a certain influence over society, is proven to be a paedophile? Yes, within the boundaries of decency, if only by way of explanation for said celebrities removal from the public eye.

Question. Is there any justification for the celebratory ousting of the mentally ill for pure titilation? NO. Should a civilised society condone the way the media has systematically trickled police lists of celebrity paedophiles through to the public like some sick apocalyptic lottery? NO. Should people suffering from a MENTAL ILLNESS, a psychological failing, be witch-hunted by bloodthirsty media hounds as we look on and laugh? The SAME media hounds who start printing 'news' about Charlotte Church's tits ONE DAY after her sixteenth birthday? The same media who thinks t.A.T.u are a good idea - two vapid Russian pop whores who's entire whistle-stop career is based on them PRETENDING to be gay and PRETENDING to be SCHOOL CHILDREN!! No. But that's what's happening. That's what you're doing and you're loving it. Can't get enough can you?

"Who's a paedophile today Bob?"
"Darned if I know Jeb, but I got me twenty bucks riding on that Lil' Bow Wow, he's always working with kids."

And last night was supposed to be the big finale. The beginning of the end. The paedo-ousting to end (read 'start') all paedo-oustings. But it didn't work out like that did it? Noooooo. You tried to MAKE it work, didn't you? You really tried to dig for that pay dirt. But it just wasn't there to find, was it MARTIN BASHIR - you detestable little toad?

MARTIN BASHIR INTERVIEWS MICHAEL JACKSON.

I'll admit it, I tuned my primary antenae to this transmission with the specific intent of gasping in horror at the 'fucked of pop-king of fucked up country'. Point at the freak. Laugh at the weirdo. That's what you were there for, that's what I was there for. Not because I wanted to get a cheap laugh out of watching a deranged freak fail to grasp the finer points of reality, ( I have the 'president' of the USA for that ) but because it's vindication of the fight against media abuse. Here stands the ultimate testimony to the cult of celebrity - a modern day Frankenstein's monster born from the fires of media hell. The bastard child of a thousand maniacs.

Well I'm sorry guys and gals, but it turns out Jacko just ain't all THAT wacko.

Here, for the first time EVER was Michael Jackson. Not someone else telling you about Michael Jackson. Not assorted footage of Michael Jackson being wacky. But first hand, direct to camera, Michael Jackson inviting US into HIS home and answering questions. ALL the questions. Answering them. Not AVOIDING answering them, but answering them. Questions that he didn't want to answer, questions that he was genuinely hurt by being asked. Some he answered honestly, some not - but at the end of the day, that's his right.

The following is what we ACTUALLY learned from the program. What we ACTUALLY saw and heard. That which was cast before us. Not what the program SAID we were shown, not the spin they tried to put on it with a dishonest and deceitful commentary, and NOT what we were told we would get.

Michael Jackson is a sick man. He has certain mental failings, inabilities to cope with the world around him, most of which stem from an abused and extremely unusual childhood constantly in the media eye. The symptoms of his inability manifest as a desire to perpetuate a childhood which was denied of him, and also in a low self esteem. To compensate for this he has used his wealth to build a grotesque and garish 'womb' of a kingdom in which he is protected from the outside world, and in certain respects, the mental care that he probably needs. We also learned that he has had plastic surgery. Probably more than he will admit to, probably a LOT more.

SHOCKING! WELL BLOW ME DOWN! WHO KNEW? WELL BLIMEY, BUT THATS A REVELATION IF EVER THERE WAS ONE! I - HAD - NO - IDEA!!

That was sarcasm.

But, if you were paying attention to the ACTUAL content of the program you would have learned a lot more than that. For instance:

Is it true that Michael Jackson has made himself white because he is ashamed of his colour? Well, no actually. It isn't. It would be jolly good fun to pretend that that was the case, but it isn't. So there. Michael Jackson HAS had extensive plastic surgery, but he has had it because he is ashamed of being Michael Jackson, not because he is ashamed of his race. He has been the victim of extensive abuse about his appearance from his own father and brothers and has developed an extremely low self esteem and a desire to be something other than that which he is. As it happens he can AFFORD to be someone else, and has done so.

You would LIKE it to be about race. The media would certainly LIKE it to be about race, but to my satisfaction at least, it is not. Not in such a straightforward, black and white (if you will) fashion. A culture still based heavily on tokenism and 'black' stereotypes pretending to have embraced racial equality (whatever THAT means) is going to LOVE the idea of a 'black' man that has been shamed into being 'white'. Racial extremists on all sides of the arguement could have a field day with the notion. But, again, I'm sorry boys, Michael ain't your man. His problems are infinitely more complex and personal than the base level political spin you have put on them until now.

Which brings us to our next revelation. Michael Jackson has a suprisingly firm grip on reality!

Michael Jackson Suprisingly Astute Observation No. 1: (paraphrased) "Millions of white people spend their time in the sun every day trying to look black, and nobody says a thing about that. And the tan lotion industry is a multi-million dollar industry"

This, I believe you will find, is true.

Okay, so Michael Jackson lives in a wacky garish Disney-style Neverland environment that he has created to protect himself from the outside world. Prolonged exposure to this environment has probably effected his ability to exist in the outside world. But, and I say this without wanting to come across as rude, SO FUCKING WHAT?

OH MY GOD! A rich person who has surrounded themselves with crap so that they don't have to go outside. WELL I'LL BE! Who ever heard of such a thing? Outrageous! Unprecedented! The sheer AUDACITY of the man!

Yes, it's not healthy. You're right. That's true. It's probably not making him any more adjusted. It's all one giant placebo and if he lived in the real world things would be different.

If he lived in the REAL world he would be wandering the streets, denied the proper medical attention he needs because of his (original) colour! Maybe it isn't all that healthy, but all I'm seeing here is a rich loony who can afford to provide himself with care, who is keeping himself in a safe warm place and who ostensibly seems as happy as can be expected. Again, I'm shocked beyond the point of words.

Here are some more words.

The fact is, the program very clearly revealed to anyone with the gift of perception that Michael Jackson's particular brand of loopiness only manifests in ways that are a danger to himself, and then only in a psychological sense. He is NOT severely delusional, NOT a danger to any one else and above all (dun dun dun!) NOT a Paedophile.

"Oooooooh. Nooooo. Aw, what a let down. Not a paedophile? Oh WHAT? Aw, you've ruined my evening now! Oh he MUST be a paedophile. Ask him again Bashir. Ask him again! Grill the mentally ill man about his condition. Go on! It'll be great! Oh...he's being sincere again. Ask him again Bashir. Ask him until he cries. That'll be great television? Again, again!"

And so it continued, long into the night. The program proved beyond any reasonable doubt that Michael Jackson is, at worst, a mental child. His mental regression has not affected his reason. He reasons as an adult but, for the most part, rejects the baggage that comes with that. He is immature by choice and what was made very VERY clear at several points is that he is clearly REPULSED by the idea of sexual contact in ALL its forms (hence the surrogacy). His entire delusional empire is built around the notion of perpetuated innocence and so it is clear to anyone NOT on a fucking witch hunt that the LAST thing he wants to do is even THINK about sex with these kids. Hell, the program even demonstrated that he was a comparitively competent and extremely responsible father.

But that wasn't enough for Martin Bashir. His fee tripled if he dished up real dirt on Michael. Michael's perfectly apparent healthy relationship with his children who loved him just wasn't part of the plan. At one point Bashir, the despicable little fuck, tries to remove the veil that protects one of the Jackson childrens face - as if to imply that there was something unhealthy about concealing their identities.

Michael Jackson is the King of Pop you stupid self-righteous FUCK Bashir! He is one of the richest performing artists in history and his children are under a CONSTANT potential threat from kidnappers, and you were willing to compromise that for your lousy television show!?

Next. Was Michael Jackson suspicously secretive about the respective mothers' relationship (or lack of) in the children's upbringing? Yes. Is it any of our fucking business? No. Should a child, any child, have the right to two parents? Yes, but then again...

MIchael Jackson Suprisingly Astute Observation No. 2: (paraphrased) " The world is full of single mothers, but nobody bothers about them."

Again, true. Michael Jackson, much as you would like to believe otherwise, understands the world outside perfectly well. TOO well. Which is why he doesn't want to live in it. He and his children can afford not to. You can't. You're just jealous and bitter. So ner.

Are his children happy? Yes.

Do they love him? Yes.

Are they well adjusted? Well, let's put it this way, at one point one of his kids expresses his dislike for Attack of the Clones on the basis that it is slow and boring. That, my dear friends, is a PRETTY FUCKING WELL ADJUSTED CHILD in my book.

The Jacksons don't like Attack of the Clones. Case closed.

In conclusion, its a choice you have to make for yourself. Who are you going to believe, Martin Bashir or your own eyes? You can either follow the commentary, listen to the scary music and continue to adhere to the opinion that the TV already handed you in the lead up to the program - or you can use the gift of free thought to watch the ACTUAL events presented before you and form a new and valid opinion based on fact and your own direct experiences. You can form your opinion based on a prolonged exposure to Michael Jackson the human being, or you can believe what ever bullshit spin the papers put on the event through all next week and for the rest of time.

You can vote for Martin Bashir's perpetually accusatory tone: (paraphrasing) "For our next meeting, Michael bought in his own 'lighting specialist'" (Yes Martin it's called television you deceitful fuck. YOU have a lighting specialist as well, and you have arranged to have that laptop proped up behind you for no good reason. Its called aesthetics, as you God damned full well know. You are a proffesional Martin. How dare you fucking LIE to us about this shit.)

Or you can vote for Michael with his cutting: (paraphrasing) " One story said that, when I was trying to grow a beard, that I had each hair individually implanted with lasers.... What, Michael Jackson can't grow a beard now?"

I know where MY vote is going.

I went in, I admit, believing Michael Jackson was a fuck-faced kiddy fiddling son of a bastard and the world's biggest freak, and came away with the firm and honest belief that he is a slightly sad but essentialy sound man who has an infinitely firmer grasp on his faculties and the condition of the world around him than that guy you currently let RUN YOUR FUCKING PLANET, who is no more of a danger to your kids than -oh, I don't know - Danny Kaye in The Hans Christian Anderson Story, and who has bought his children up well enough to distinguish Attack of the Clones as pish.

Furthermore I came away with the knowledge that Martin Bashir is a detestable human being and a monster who will undeservingly cross examine an ill man for a fast buck to the point of bullying - and who is responsible for a piece of lengthy reportage that was an affront to decent journalism.

Either way, it's none of your FUCKING BUSINESS, and it's also none of mine. So let's both FUCK OFF and leave the poor sad twat alone.

The Atlantis Mantis.

P.S. Michael Jackson has also been known to make popular music, you fucking ingrates.

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