Ah, the Atlantis Mantis Guestbook, where the swine go to cast their excrement before the pearl distributor. What a fine institute of internet clique culture it is becoming, with its same five fucking posters.

This week repeat-offender Benneth, that unholy alliance betwix forname and surname, posted this old cobblers about Kill Bill - because he's too poor to pay for his own bandwidth.

His article is repetitive, and derived from that particular school of alt.criticism popularised by The Editing Room, which is a shit hole. The problem is that the old 'fake script' gag is only valid as a handy and amusing shorthand way of making a point, within the context of a broader rant. As a stand alone gag it makes itself redundant, because anyone can apply themselves to it without the effort of constructing an actual rationale for their comments. Observe...

The Editing Room
By The Atlantis Mantis

INT. LOCATION. DAY

A sarcastic and very literal description of the location in question, with the mere stating of fact intended to be read as denouncement through deconstruction, despite the absense of counter-arguement.

A CHARACTER enters the room.

CHARACTER

Hello, I am a character assasination of the actor in question, or in the case of supporting cast, the role I play within the narrative. Again, I am merely stating my role within the narrative, which in and of itself does not constitiute a criticism, or present an arguement - but placed within this humourous context, it appears as if it might, and makes the commentator look insightful.

AUDIENCE

Hang on, aren't all these 'criticisms' nothing more than deconstructions of content, without expansive critique, theme, or counter arguement? Most of the 'critiques' in THE EDITING ROOM are of perfectly good films, and posted only to celebrate the writers capacity for observation. This format can be applied to anything, its the critical equivalent of a Quentin Tarantino film and is no more revealing or deconstructive than the mode of criticism employed by the mainstream publishing media!

Some idiot or other will now post in the Guestbook accusing me of being guilty of the above accusations, and like everyone else in the Guestbook, they will be wrong.

Anyway, out of the kindness of my own thorax, here is Benneths crappy article. Though future Guestbook posters please note that the Guestbbok is a Guestbook, and not Rotten fucking Tomatoes.

KILL BILL - The Cover Version
By Benneth

The MATRIX REVOLUTIONS trailer plays, incorporating all the good bits from the finished film so you don't have to pay to go and see it. Several audience members leave for the bathroom to clean off the fanboy-jizz.

Fade in: The film begins with the old Shaw Brothers logo.

SHAW BROTHERS LOGO

Hello! I am here to confuse you into thinking this film is as good as the films normally preceeded by me.

AUDIENCE

I've never actually seen any Shaw Brothers films, so I don't know what the hell all that is about. But as this is a Quentin Tarantino film, I'll blindly presume the appearance of that logo is clever and witty.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Yeah, hi assholes! So what I'm gonna do with this film is take all the Asian martial arts movies I saw as a kid, half-heartedly steal their visuals and dialogue, then foist this on you as an "affectionate homage" to a whole bunch of films you've never even seen, whilst irresponsibly reinforcing your misguided belief that Japanese culture IN ITS ENTIRETY is kitsch and zany and stupid, and can only be enjoyed whilst wearing your irony pants.

AUDIENCE

Go, Quentin! You can do no wrong!

INT. RUSTIC WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY

Stuff is in black and white because Quentin Tarantino is a genius. THE BRIDE lies on the floor in a frankly outrageously huge pool of blood, or at least it looks like blood, but it could be anything, it's difficult to tell because stuff is in black and white because Quentin Tarantino is a genius. BILL
(offscreen)

Sorry love, but I now have to kill you, even though you're preggers.

BRIDE

You absolute cad, Bill. Why?

BILL

I'd tell you, but this is a Quentin Tarantino film so you have to piece together the plot yourself, which would be straightforward if said plot wasn't out of chronological order for no reason other than this is a Quentin Tarantino film and therefore has to be pointlessly inaccessible.

BRIDE

Fuck, not again. By the way, the baby, it's yours.

BILL

Oh shit, child support payments!

BILL promptly shoots BRIDE in the face. The gunshot is ten times louder than a real gunshot would be if you actually got shot in the eardrum from point blank range.

AUDIENCE

Ow, my sense of hearing!

EXT. SUBURBAN SUBURB IN AMERICA - DAY

It is now later, or possibly earlier. Who gives a fuck? BRIDE approaches the standard-issue suburban house you see in every Hollywood film ever. This is not a cliché because Tarantino is doing it, and everything in a Tarantino film has to be a reference to something else, so it's clever. Despite repeatedly tripping over the huge amount of children's toys strewn all over the lawn to illustrate the fact that it's quite possible that whoever lives there has kids, she reaches the porch and rings the doorbell.

VERNITA GREEN answers.

BRIDE

Hey, bitch, it's me!

VERNITA

Bitch, I thought we bitching killed you!

They fight, completely fucking up VERNITA's home in the process. Her conveniently adorable child comes home from school, causing them to stop and hide their weapons behind their backs. This is HILARIOUS.

BRIDE

Bitch, you're fucking lucky your little bitch daughter came home, as I am not so morally bankrupt that I'd fucking kill you in front of her. Actually, it's a handy way for me to establish my moral superiority in order to be a sympathetic protagonist. Bitchston bitch it!

VERNITA

Whore bitch cock cunt bitch and soforth. Er, what was I saying? Oh yeah. I'm sorry I had to be accomplice to your attempted murder, carried out by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad which we were both members of but then you quit from which is why we shot you. I am providing this exposition free of charge, by the way. Bitch.

BRIDE

No need, everyone's already read the reviews for the film and thus knew the plot and their opinion of the film before having seen it. Your useful purpose has been expended.

BRIDE kills VERNITA anyway.

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

It is now earlier, probably. How the fuck should I know? THE BRIDE lies on a hospital bed, still in a coma after being shot by BILL.

REPREHENSIBLE ONE-DIMENSIONAL EVIL DOCTOR WHO DESERVES TO DIE

Man, pimping my comatose female patients to unnatractive fat truckers is the ideal way of funding my hobby - molesting children and beating puppies to death with toffee hammers.

AUDIENCE

Kill him, Uma! Kill him! KILL HIM!

BRIDE wakes up and promptly kills REPREHENSIBLE ONE-DIMENSIONAL EVIL DOCTOR WHO DESERVES TO DIE. This is okay, because she is a woman, and women are morally allowed to kill men since we realised what a bunch of bastards men are, and it shows how EMPOWERED she is. The audience's need to see immediate death doled out on shallow evildoers in the name of JUSTICE is satisfied.

FILM CRITIC

See, this film is actually about female empowerment because the main character is a woman and kills lots of men. The Samurai sword represents the neutralisation of her penis envy which she asserts via acts of aggression towards venal and amoral male characters. I am incisive and clever, and would like my paycheque now.

THE BRIDE kills the FILM CRITIC too.

AUDIENCE

This is the most violent film ever!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Haha, yeah, sure. It's a good job 99% of you have never seen the films I'm "referencing" here, all of which are twenty times more violent than my two-hour circle jerk. Oh shit, I hope nobody notices.

There is a really violent Animé sequence concerning the bloodstained story of O-REN ISHII, the BRIDE'S next target. Some heads explode.

AUDIENCE

THIS FILM KICKS ASS!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

That's my bitch.

We see a montage of O-REN and assorted quirky evil sidekick goons.

BRIDE
(voiceover)

O-Ren Ishii, codename Cottonmouth and head of the Yakuza. Anyway, she's a total bitch and has an army of nutcases in Kato masks.

The AUDIENCE collectively feel very clever for having noticed this GREEN HORNET reference even though it was POINTED OUT FOR THEM just in case they didn't notice how clever QUENTIN is being.

BRIDE
(v/o)

There's 88 of them, which is frankly a stupidly small number of criminal stooges to employ considering their average competency level. The woman sitting on O-Ren's right is her lieutenant Sofie Fatale.

AUDIENCE

Er, no, she's on the left. Can't you tell the difference, Quentin? Does this clanging mistake not effectively bugger up your egocentric claims to flawless cinematic godhood?

QUENTIN

No no, it REINFORCES them because it's a clever reference to a goof in an old Kung Fu movie so obscure that only I have seen it.

BRIDE

Yeah, why the hell not. Also in O-Ren's party, there's that girl out of Battle Royale, who is dressed in the traditional Japanese highschool sailor suit despite apparently not actually going to school, because Quentin evidently likes Hentai. I have to go kill them, which involves travelling to Quentin's idea of what Japan is like, ergo populated exclusively by the stars of all the cheapo martial arts flicks he watched during his formative years. For example, here's Sonny Chiba as Hattori Hanzo.

SONNY CHIBA

Hello, I am in the film! I shall make you a sword, with which you can... KILL BILL!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Look, everyone! SONNY CHIBA IS IN MY FILM! Appearing as the same character he played in "Kage no Gundan"! My ego is just about to fucking burst out of my oversized forehead.

AUDIENCE

Sonny who? Kage what?

SONNY CHIBA

Don't worry, just nod along and pretend you understand. This film isn't really for you anyway, it's for Quentin and his mates, he's just being kind and letting you watch it. Anyway Bride, I suggest you go and train for six months while I am making the sword.

The AUDIENCE get on their laptops and go to IMDB.COM, read the trivia section for Kill Bill, find out who the hell SONNY CHIBA is, then smugly pretend to have had the slightest idea beforehand in order to seem all superior and clued up. Cough.

BRIDE

While they're busy with that, I'll go seek out the Samurai master from the trailer and ask him to teach me White-Fu. This will take place in the next film, however, for the sake of things not being in sequence.

SONNY CHIBA

Bye.

INT. PLANE - EVENING

THE BRIDE flies over a Gerry Anderson model of Tokyo, on board an airliner where the passengers are allowed to carry Samurai swords with them. This is intentionally stupid, but that doesn't actually make it funny.

BRIDE

I shall now ride to O-Ren's evil lair on my extremely expensive bike wot I got from somewhere. Note I am also wearing Bruce Lee's tracksuit from Game of Death because Quentin Tarantino is a genius.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

You mean a geek?

THE BRIDE beheads the AUDIENCE MEMBER, causing a forty-foot high fountain of blood to gush out of his neck hole.

INT. O REN ISHII'S EVIL NIGHTCLUB LAIR - NIGHT

The 5-6-7-8's perform a musical number. All the J-Pop fans in the audience spontaneously ejaculate.

BRIDE

Yo, O-Ren! Check this out

. BRIDE cuts the arm off of O-REN's lieutenent SOFIE FATALE, who writhes around screaming in a pool of her own blood.

SOFIE

AAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

SICKO AUDIENCE MEMBER

HAHAHAHAHA, she's writhing around and bleeding and screaming, hahahaha, excellent!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

Actually, it's quite horrible, and not in the comedic Bad Taste sense, it's just really unpleasent and a little bit creepy.

SICKO AUDIENCE MEMBER

SHUT UP, YOU PUSSY! BLOODLUST... MUST BE SATISFIED...

O-REN

Welcome, Mr. Bon- I mean, The Bride. What's your actual name anyway?

BRIDE

I could tell you but whenever anyone says it, Quentin self-consciously bleeps it out because he wants his protagonist to be nameless on account of his Sergio Leone fixation.

QUENTIN

Yeah, I figured that if I steal a bunch of narrative trademarks from better directors, I will logically be as good as them.

O-REN

Before you can face me, you must kill my army of 88 incompetant twats. This is the way of things as dictated by The Art of War.

BRIDE

You mean computer games.

O-REN

Yeah. Besuited idiots - Kill her!

QUENTIN

Hey audience, you think you're pumped? Prepare to get BEYOND PUMPED, `cause here comes the most badass fight in the history of everything!

Ten seconds of pedestrian sword fighting follows.

AUDIENCE

This is by no means shit, but neither is it good - indeed, it's somewhat dissapointing in that the bad guys queue up to fight her just like in every shitty multiple-assailant fight in cinematic history.

QUENTIN

Yes - however, this isn't hackneyed or boring, because I'M DOING IT hence it's a REFERENCE to the way that always happens in films! I HAVE TURNED THE GENRE ON ITS NOSE!

AUDIENCE

Yes, you KEEP using that excuse, petal.

QUENTIN

Of course I do. By this token, I can explain away absolutely ANY single flaw - in ANY film I have made or ever will make - by saying that it's actually me intentionally subverting narrative conventions BY CONFORMING TO THEM, thus dodging accusations that I'm a lazy bastard. This is great, as I can appear clever without actually doing anything.

AUDIENCE

... QUENTIN

Yeah, anyway. Check out my badass cinematography - shit just went black and white FOR NO REASON other than they used to do that in martial arts films to get around Western censorship laws! I mean, sure, it doesn't actually look good or anything, and is actually detrimental to the scene's aesthetics seeing as its principal visual element is lots and lots of red, red blood, but I had to do it because I hadn't alluded to anything for at least twelve seconds.

THE BRIDE continues to kill the GOONS, monochrome arterial jets flying all over the place, limbs being hacked off, all whilst SOFIE continues to writhe and bleed and scream. Several perverted male audience members shift uncomfortably to conceal their violence-induced erections.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck? The whole film was leading up to that and it was only a couple of minutes long and half of that was in black and white so you couldn't see the blood flying all over the place.

QUENTIN

Yeah, sorry about that. If you wanna see the full-length fight, in colour as it was originally intended to be, you can either go to Japan where it's all in colour, or you can wait to buy the DVD. Then see the next one and buy the DVD of that as well.

AUDIENCE

So we're watching an incomplete film, and we have to pay MORE money if we want to see the version of it we naturally assumed was the one we were paying to go see, which goes for the second film as well, right?

QUENTIN

Yup.

AUDIENCE

You're lucky we love you so much.

BRIDE

Right, that's their Saturday fucked. Can I kill you yet, O-Ren?

O-REN

No, the Bible Of Videogame Conventions states that after killing my army of incompetant mongs and before fighting me, you must take on one sub-boss approximately one half as hardcore as me, here embodied by the girl out of Battle Royale.

BATTLE ROYALE GIRL

Hi!

PERCEPTIVE READER

Wait a minute, this was before the Crazy 88 fight in the film.

ME

Yeah, but the fucking thing was so disjointed I forgot. I think I was busy repeatedly smashing a brick into my forebrain at the time and couldn't pay attention. Note how I ascribe to the same lazy system of logic Quentin uses and pretend it's an intentional joke rather than just bad writing, which is what it actually is - I only added this erratum after somebody pointed out the mistake. Indeed, I am the champion of observational comedy.

PERCEPTIVE READER

Fuck off.

BRIDE

Battle Royale girl, I know you think you are defending your master, but please, I beg of you, walk away. (Pause) Jesus, Quentin, that line is actually in the film. You wrote THAT? It's shit.

QUENTIN

Wha? Oh, no, that's me subverting the genre by pointing out its little foibles again, or what-the-fuck-ever. Leave me alone, I'm watching Shogun Assassin and writing down scenes I want to "reference" in my next film. Mwahahahaha.

BRIDE

Oh, alright.

BRIDE and BATTLE ROYALE GIRL, who is armed with a giant mace, fight. BRIDE nearly dies but doesn't, then kills BATTLE ROYALE GIRL with a bit of wo

od. BRIDE

That was retarded. RIGHT, can I kill you now?

O-REN

Alright, but we must wait while the end-of-level boss arena loads. (pause) Alright, let's play!

Ext - Zen garden - night

The BRIDE and O-REN have a boring fight. The whole movie has been leading up to this shit, yet it is actually shorter and far less frenetic than all of the other fights that have occurred in the film. O-REN dies.

BRIDE

That was actually easier than the girl with the mace.

Int - O-Ren's Evil Base - night

BRIDE approaches SOFIE, who has somehow been gushing blood for twenty minutes without so much as losing her skin tone.

BRIDE

I've kept you alive because I want you to tell Bill I'm alive, and that I'm going to come and kill him.

SOFIE

Alright, but won't that ruin your element of surprise? I mean, he doesn't even know you're up and about.

BRIDE

Yeah, but Quentin wanted me to make a perfunctory "honour among killers" statement in allusion the systems of honour adhered to by Samurais, or something. I really don't give a shit anymore. Anyway, bye!

BRIDE leaves.

SOFIE

Coo, I hope she doesn't find out her daughter is still alive!

THE AUDIENCE, conditioned to expect films to last longer due to Lord of the Rings movies, prepares for the final hour of the film.

QUENTIN

Alright, thanks for coming! Come back and see the concluding part next year!

AUDIENCE

That was IT?

QUENTIN

Yeah, but then I decided I wanted more money, so I nailed some scrag ends from the first film onto the second, called it Part Two, and am being kind to your bladders by letting you leave now so you can come back and pay me more money to see the next one.

The AUDIENCE, as one, behead QUENTIN.

End